Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I could make wine with my vomit
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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