I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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