He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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