toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
