My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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