I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
