It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
