I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
