the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
