dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
