two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
