you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
