We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
