Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize
