Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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