i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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