yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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