I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
