you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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