Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
