I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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