i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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