Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
