there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
