I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I see more hoeing in ur future
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