There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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