Your dad touched me again.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
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Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha