what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now