It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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