Heybabeimwearingurpanties
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
