You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
