her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
