I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
