I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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