You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
