on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I got inside last night via doggy door
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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