just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
