Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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