I can text with my tongue
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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