third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
