Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
