my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
its not stalking. its research.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
