i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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