i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
