girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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