so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
