I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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