I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
