I wish I could teleport
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
