Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
