The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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