I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
