idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm going to jail i love you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
