im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
